Who doesn’t love a happy ending? Certainly Hollywood does. I don’t. Do you? A happy ending can be enjoyable, but it’s a guilty pleasure. Sure, happy endings are sweet, but they aren’t real life, the way that candy bars aren’t real food. A few seconds of intense pleasure, a brief tingle followed by the inevitable crash. Movies, though, fade to the credit crawl while you still have that tingle.

So… how would it end if it were more like life? What would you change to make it more lifelike? Maybe you don’t change anything. Maybe you could just let the movie play instead of fading to the credit crawl… and see what happens…

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Biggest Spoiler Alert Ever

if you haven’t seen the movies, be aware that not only do I give away the endings, I mangle them… and I won’t even apologize, because that’s just how I roll.

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Bad Santa Goes Dark

Bad Santa is about two conmen who work once a year. Christmas. Dressed as Santa (Billy Bob Thornton) and his elf (Tony Cox), instead of spreading holiday good will, they rob each department store they work in. Things start to drift off plan when Santa meets a woman bartender with a thing for Santas, and 8-year old boy (Brett Kelly) who will teach him the true meaning of Christmas.

The movie’s ending is rather complicated. Santa is deterred from killing himself when the kid walks in on him with a black eye. Santa wants to teach the kid to take care of himself. Meanwhile the store security man/gangster Gin (Bernie Mac) finds out about Santa’s plan, he demands half the money.

The elf, feeling like Santa isn’t pulling his weight anymore, kills Gin and betrays Santa, but the cops show up before he can shoot Santa. Cops chasing him, Santa drives to the kid’s house in a desperate attempt to deliver the kid’s Christmas present. He is shot EIGHT TIMES as he reaches the porch.

Somehow, he survives. It’s all wrapped up with a neat little bow when we learn that the elf is in prison, Santa’s been given immunity because of his confession put the elf away, and we fade out with a warm fuzzy feeling when the kid kicks the bully who gave him the black eye.

The ending pushes the limits of credibility… but let’s say we don’t change a thing…. do they live happily ever after?

I think not. Santa can’t lay off the bottle, which raises hell with his bullet-perforated liver.

The kid, meanwhile, feeling his new power, becomes the new neighborhood bully. He’s far meaner than the old bully. Santa falls down the stairs drunk and is now bedridden and helpless, but still can’t stop drinking. The kid, now a stone cold psycho, feels nothing but contempt for Santa.

The kid finds out from the elf that Santa has a stash somewhere of ill-gotten gains, a very, very large pile of money. The kid tortures Santa with a lit cigarette until Santa tells him where it is. The kid finds the money, and kills Santa. With Santa dead, he starts spending the money. The cops break down the door to find the kid playing on a Playstation 3 bought with stolen money, and haul the kid off. Before the kid makes it to baby booking, The kid gets shanked in by another hardened juvie criminal and bleeds to death in his cell.

OK. So I don’t love a Happy Ending. But I DO love a double feature! Yay!

The Notebook Is Full of Crap

Fade in on a nursing home. An old man, Duke (James Garner) is reading a story to an old woman (Gena Rowlands). It’s the story of Allie (Rachel McAdams) and Noah (Ryan Gosling,) two lovers who meet as seventeen year olds. She’s a city girl, he’s a country boy. Her family has money, his doesn’t. They spend the entire summer together, but Allie has to go away to college.

Noah writes her 365 letters, she never gets any of them. Seven years pass and Allie falls in love with a wealthy soldier (James Marsden). She sees Noah’s picture in the paper, and gets all nostalgic. They spend a few days together. She doesn’t want to leave… eventually, she must choose which man she wants to be with…

and it turns out not only is the story true, but the old woman a) IS Allie and b) can’t remember a damn thing most of the time, she’s got Alzheimer’s… get this… (big surprise) Duke is… NOAH. Oh, like totally no way. YES WAY! It’s him. I don’t think I’ve recovered from that shocking twist, even now.

Duke reads to Allie as her memory fades in and out. Finally, it fades out, Allie yells at him like he’s a stranger, and he has a heart attack. He recovers, goes to her room and… and… and… SHE REMEMBERS HIM!!! WHOA.

He lies down on the bed with her and they wish for their love to carry them away. Later… a nurse finds them in bed together… Dead. Holding hands.

So they’re dead. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, he can’t possibly touch that happy ending, can he? OH YES HE CAN. See, arm in arm, Allie and Noah are on their way to the afterlife…
But something goes horribly wrong. There’s a clerical error. They are sent to the wrong afterlife. They’re… in the South Park universe. At the Pearly Gates, they find out that the Mormons were the only ones who had it right. They’re sent to Hell. Hell being hell, they have to wait a really long time at check-in.

While Satan is busy bickering with his lover, Saddam Hussein, and Allie’s in the bathroom (you have to pee all the time in hell, part of why they call it “hell”). As Noah’s waiting, he spots… Marilyn Monroe.

He can’t resist. He shags her. Meanwhile, Allie comes out of the bathroom and catches them in the act. Heartbroken, she runs and flings herself into the Lake of Fire.

Noah sees this and he, too, is heartbroken. To add insult to injury, Marilyn Monroe is a lousy lay. It turns out Hell is… well, it’s Hell.

Here’s the new trailer for Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Our first taste of the upcoming Potter film shows us the actors who play Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Riddle, at various ages. The movie gets into the evil Voldemort’s back-story a bit, apparently.

The first glimpse of the latest Potter film reveals never before seen footage of the actor who plays a young Lord Voldemort, better known as Tom Riddle. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince unveils important details about the evil wizard Voldemort and his past.

He’s played by Hero Fiennes-Tiffin at age 11:

Frank Dillane plays a teenage Tom:

and Michael Berendt, the 18 year old Tom:

The movie quotes post inspired a commenter by the ID of Monk to post: “My favorite movie quote is “I’m Your Huckleberry” in the movie Tombstone, said by Doc Holiday, played by Val Kilmer.

Which, in turn, inspires me to post some more memorable quotes from Westerns. The western is, possibly, the quintessential Hollywood genre. What other genre has been so durable?

A durable genre begets durable quotes. So without further ado, some durable quotes from memorable westerns. Keep in mind though that this list doesn’t pretend to be complete or unbiased, these are just a few of my favorites.

Guess what classic character from which classic western said it, or go straight to the answers at the bottom of the page:

1. “When you have to shoot, shoot, don’t talk.” — The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

2. “If he’d just pay me what he’s paying them to stop me from robbing him, I’d stop robbing him!” — Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

3. “Don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining…….”
Clint Eastwood in “Outlaw Josey Wales”

4. “Badges? We ain’t got no badges. We don’t need no badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges. ”
-Treasure of the Sierra Madre

5. a: “Why do you want to die Grandfather?”

b: “Because there is no other way to deal with the white man my son. Whatever else you can say about them, it must be admitted, you cannot get rid of them.”

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1. Eli Wallach as Tuco, from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

2. Paul Newman as Butch Cassidy, from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

3. From The Outlaw Josey Wales. I can’t remember the name of the actor or character, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Clint Eastwood who said it. If anyone knows, please post. Thanks!

4. The bandit from Treasure of the Sierra Madre. If anyone remembers the actor’s name, please post!

5. a) is Dustin Hoffman as Dan Crabb, b) Chief Dan George as Old Lodge Skins from Little Big Man.

Got any favorite lines from westerns?

It is difficult to describe Forrest’s pictures in words. It seems like Andrew knows everything about the world and the wonders of creation. It’s our near future. These images have become public only a short time ago. For almost ten years, they were in private collections.

One

Majesty of Gaia

Twilight

Albion pathworkings

A new heaven and a new earth

Kingdom of the solar logos

According Dolphin Matrix, Andrew Forrest lives in New Zeland. For more information visit his page.

I realize that the title may be a bit misleading. Not only that, her male fans might find the truth disappointing: the clothes available for sale are in fact those in her clothing line, available through Macy’s, and not the clothes she’s wearing at the moment. In other words, no matter how much you buy, it won’t mean Ms. Simpson will have to wear less.

That said, gentlemen, consider passing on this information to your girlfriend. As a consolation prize for the gentlemen, I’ve included a picture of one of the swimsuits in Ms. Simpson’s line:

Yep. I know that’s not Jessica. But the suit is part of her line. Besides, when something (the suit, I mean) looks that good, who cares?

Now for the women.

So you’re a fashionista. And yes, we know, Simpson the pop tart just isn’t cool. But the designs are, believe it or not, pretty good. And you may find something you like. If you end up looking good in a Jessica Simpson product, you don’t necessarily have to tell your friends where you got it. After all, Simpson’s not as cool a label as D&G or Prada. But then again, maybe you should tell them. After all, what is cooler, wearing the right brand name, or having a good eye for clothing that looks good on you? Chances are, if you have the latter, you’ll be setting trends instead of following them.

Jessica’s current line, available since November 2007, has generally gotten surprisingly good reviews from fashionistas.

Now, she’s adding dresses to her line. This right on the heels of recent, perhaps unfair criticism in the press of a dress she wore on a trip to Lake Tahoe, which the Daily Mail called a porn star dress. Don’t worry. Chances are, it won’t be added to her line. With that caveat in mind, and ultimately knowing gossip is more satisfying than fashion, here’s the dress in question, in case you missed all the fuss:

According to the Guiness Book of World Records, here are the top ten movie quotes. Can you guess what movie they’re from?

1. “…Bond. James Bond. ”

2. “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”

3. “Well, it’s not the men in your life that counts, it’s the life in your men.”

4. “I’ll be back.”

5. “Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?”

6. “My Mama always said, ‘Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you’re gonna get.’”

7. “I could dance with you till the cows come home…On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows when you came home.”

8. “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

9. “You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Well, who the hell else are you talkin’ to? You talkin’ to me? Well, I’m the only one here. Who the f–k do you think you’re talkin’ to?”

10. “Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don’t be stingy, baby.”

Give up? here’s the list of movies these famous lines come from:

1. This line first appeared in Dr. No. It has been milked like a cash cow ever since.

2. This is from Casablanca, which also produced the evergreen “The problems of two little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.” Or something like that. Don’t blame me if i got it wrong, that’s off the top of my head.

3. I’m No Angel. Mae West. ’nuff said.

4. Arnie, the governator, from The Terminator.

5. Jean Harlow from Hell’s Angels. (1930). It had nothing to do with the motorcycle gang.

6. Tom Hanks from Forrest Gump.

7. From the Marx Bros’ classic Duck Soup.

8. Clark Gable as Rhett Butler from Gone With the Wind, of course.

9. Taxi Driver. The film that put Robert DeNiro on the map. and, arguably, Paul Schrader’s best screenplay.

10. Anna Christie. 1930. Garbo talks.

What are your top ten movie quotes?

Imagine an entire movie taking place in the cantina from Star Wars. Got it? That movie, in your mind, probably looks a lot like Hellboy 2: The Golden Army. Then again, that’s about what you’d hope for in a movie wherein the heir apparent to Hell is working for the US government on… errrr… anti-monster duty. The elaborate, phantasmagorical visuals are director Guillermo Del Toro’s stock-in-trade and reason enough to see the movie. But there’s actually a story, too.

The story feels like a three hour story crammed into two hours, so epic as to be a bit schematic. The truncated feel has an upside, too though—it keeps the movie bumping along at a blindingly fast pace. You don’t have time to get bored. If you go to the bathroom you’ll probably miss a dazzling action sequence.

Did I say you don’t have time to get bored? Most of the time, that’s true. However, Del Toro attempted an unfortunate drunken sing-along scene. To compound the atrocity, the song Del Toro chose was Barry Manilow’s horribly insipid “Can’t Smile Without You.” My face still hurts from wincing at this irredeemably mawkish scene. Worse, the song might get stuck in your head. It wasn’t anywhere enough to ruin the movie for me, though.

Hellboy 2, a light, bubblegum-ish counterpoint to the brooding darkness of Del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth, is a good ride, and well worth seeing. If you want profundity, look elsewhere. If you want what people usually go to the movies for—spectacle, and a rockin’ good ride, Hellboy 2 is the one to see right now.

Quentin Tarantino is going to war. Well, he’s making a war movie, anyway. He is prepping his new screenplay, Inglorious Bastards, to shoot in October. The movie will be a Dirty Dozen style World War Two actioner, and it’s one that Tarantino has been wanting to make for a long time.

The title may sound familiar to older readers or those who spend too much time watching cable TV. That’s because he bought the title and remake rights to Enzo Castellari’s 1978 movie of the same name. Tarantino’s film will be based on his own original screenplay. Most likely he only bought the rights to avoid getting sued for “trading on the name” of the previous picture, although I’d imagine Tarantino’s name lends more clout to the project than Inglorious Bastards does.

Lawrence Bender, who has worked with Tarantino since Reservoir Dogs, will again produce. The Weinstein Co. will co-finance the film, and they are looking to join forces with a major studio in exchange for non-US distribution rights.

So far, no one has been cast, although Brad Pitt’s name has come up.

Given the details we know so far, Tarantino’s first war film promises to be a big-budget epic along the scale of Kill Bill, although hopefully it won’t be in two parts… but probably, it will.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the sixth in the series of film adaptations of J.K. Rowling’s seven blockbuster novels, will hit the big screen worldwide in November, 2008.

Stars Daniel Radcliffe (Potter), Emma Watson (Hermione) and Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) are back, looking more grown-up than ever—the stars are all in their late teens, getting older every day. Fortunately, there’s only one more Potter novel to adapt after Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Unless the filmmakers start making up stories beyond Rowling’s final Potter novel, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, we won’t get to see Harry Potter and the Nursing Home.

The new Potter movie is going to be edgier, at least according to star Radliffe, who compares it to the Scottish drug movie that made Ewan McGregor a star, Trainspotting. Thankfully, this parallel may be a bit overblown. Radcliffe is now no longer a boy, and no doubt is chomping at the bit for adult roles, but the new Potter does promise to be both darker and more grown up.

The new movie has a romantic twist: Potter starts to fall for Ron’s sister, Ginny (Bonnie Wright). The focus of the movie, however, is on the development of Harry’s rival Draco Malfoy (Tom Felton), who increasingly embraces the dark side.

There will be plenty of action, too. Director David Yates promises “We’re opening with a big attack. We’ll bring a major London landmark crashing down.”

The real question about this next Potter installment, though, is this: Can you, the viewer, buy Radcliffe, Watson and Grint, all 18 or 19, as 16 year olds?

Alan Moore’s dark, ethereal superhero comic is finally going to make it to the big screen. The original twelve-issue comic book series, published in 1986 – 87, has survived two decades of development hell, has wrapped principal photography as of February 2008, is in post-production, and will finally be released in March of 2009.

Producer Lawrence Gordon began developing the project at 20th Century Fox and Warner Brothers. Initially, Terry Gilliam had signed on to direct the film. Gilliam, the maker of Brazil, gave up in frustration, deeming the dense, complex story un-filmable. Gordon then tried Universal and Paramount. Next up to be attached to the project was Darren Aronofsky, the director of Pi and Requiem for a Dream. He was followed by The Bourne Ultimatum’s Paul Greengrass, but the project was cancelled due to budget disputes.

Finally in 2006, the project returned to Warner, and Zack Snyder was attached to direct. Snyder had already had great success adapting comics to the big screen by adapting Frank Miller’s 300. Filming finally started September 17, 2000, on a backlot in Vancouver built to resemble the nightmare-world New York City of the comic book.

The current cut, as this writing, is three hours long. Will it make it to the theaters in this long form? Releasing an overlong movie is very risky. Long movies repel distributors and theater owners, because longer movies mean fewer screenings, and thus less money. But some films are meant to be long. Can you imagine an hour-and-a-half version of Lawrence of Arabia? I hope not.

But what of the original creators, writer Alan Moore and illustrator Dave Gibbons? Moore doesn’t like the idea of Watchmen as a movie. He intended it as a comic book. “Not a movie, not a novel” as he puts it. He’s had some bad luck with film adaptations though, such as the campy Swamp Thing and the less-than-ordinary League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. He parted ways with filmmaking after disagreeing bitterly with the Wachowski Brothers over the adaptation of V for Vendetta. Dave Gibbons had his reservations about making Watchmen a movie, too. But in Snyder’s hands, he’s actually looking forward to it. No doubt he’s not the only one, but we’ll all have to wait until March 6, 2009.